


(A Shortage of) Sense and Sensibility

by lightinthehall



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: M/M, Making Out, Mockumentary from Season 9 DVD, crack!fic, megalomaniac!Jared, pining!jared, yoga!jensen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-18
Updated: 2014-09-18
Packaged: 2018-02-17 20:45:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2322593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightinthehall/pseuds/lightinthehall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[ Mockumentary!AU fic ] Except Jared just <em>can’t</em> understand why Jensen isn’t off-the-charts, truly, madly, deeply in love with him. He’s pretty used to merely <em>looking</em> at people and having them swoon all over the place. Not Jensen. Not only is Jensen apparently immune to the sex-power-stare of Jared Padalecki, he’s never around to witness it. Every time the director yells <em>That’s a wrap</em>! Jared turns to say, ask Jensen out for something casual like coffee at his place – or sex on the coffee table at his place -  <em>poof</em>! Jensen’s gone before he can even get a word out.</p>
<p>You can watch the Mockumentary from S9 DVD <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3zpyAXE3L4">here</a>. Written for the <a href="http://ephermeralk.livejournal.com/34177.html?thread=1008513#t1008513">Mockumentary J2 Comment Meme</a>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	(A Shortage of) Sense and Sensibility

**Author's Note:**

> **Watch the Mockumentary from the S9 DVD [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3zpyAXE3L4)!  
> Link to the awesome Mockumentary J2 Comment Meme [here](http://ephermeralk.livejournal.com/34177.html)!  
> OR read it on my [LJ](http://souslelys.livejournal.com/34629.html) or at the [Comment Meme](http://ephermeralk.livejournal.com/34177.html?thread=1008513#t1008513).  
> For this prompt:  
>  _Jared is wooing Jensen for quite some time now, but he's getting frustrated, because apparently he can't win Jensen over with his work-outs and manly muscles. Richard tells him to try it with tofu.  
>  When Jared turns up with tofu at the door of Jensen's trailer, Jensen is nervous and terrified and Jared is confident and certain of victory."_
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own any of these people, or how they are portrayed in the Mockumentary.

Jared would say that he’s a pretty smart guy. In fact, he’s probably one of _the_ smartest guys. Like ever. He reads constantly – but not words on actual _pages_ \- who the fuck do you take him for? He needs both arms for weight-lifting. He’s not going to waste good muscle on some namby-pamby book (Clif reads him _Men’s Health_ magazines out loud during work outs; he’s his own personal audio book bodyguard that can even describe all the pictures of half-naked men to Jared in detail. _See?_ Fucking _genius_ ).

So when he doesn’t understand something? It’s crazy. Gotta be one of _Archie’s Weird Mysteries_ or some shit. He’d be willing to bet even Einstein couldn’t figure it out. The point is – there’s not much out there that can stump him.

Except Jared just _can’t_ understand why Jensen isn’t off-the-charts, truly, madly, deeply in love with him. He’s pretty used to merely _looking_ at people and having them swoon all over the place. Not Jensen. Not only is Jensen apparently immune to the sex-power-stare of Jared Padalecki, he’s never around to witness it. Every time the director yells _That’s a wrap_! Jared turns to say, ask Jensen out for something casual like coffee at his place – or sex on the coffee table at his place -  _poof_! Jensen’s gone before he can even get a word out.

And it sucks. It monumentally sucks, because Jared actually kind of really likes him? Jensen’s pretty awesome. And hot – not as awesome and hot as _Jared,_ obviously, but close. Okay not that close – but still.

Jensen has his own merits. It’s not often anyone pings on Jared’s radar (he’s a busy guy, okay?) but when you’ve worked with someone for years – you eventually start to notice a few things about them.

Like the bright green of Jensen’s eyes in the rare Vancouver sun, or the way he constantly licks his already spit-slick pink lips when he’s nervous. It makes Jared want to help him out, kiss him a little breathless – the way he seems to be begging for all the time.

And Jensen’s awfully limber. It’s not like the man keeps it a secret – he does _lotus headstands_ on top of his trailer for fuck’s sake. God, Jared wishes Jensen did his yoga exercises at ground level so he could press up against him and see how bendy he really is.

Plus Jensen really _cares_. Like about everything. He cares so much that he’s willing to give up meat and all things good and Texas holy and become a _vegan_ (Jared loves dogs but Jensen loves _all animals_ and he’s got to admit that’s pretty cool).

There’ve also been quite a few times that he’s walked into a room and Jensen’s in the middle of a support circle with some of the crew, holding hands and listening to a particularly tearful admission, liquid green eyes trained on the person speaking like they’re the only thing that exists in this whole damn world.

And Jared wants that. Wants to be looked at like that. Listened to like that. Like somebody finally understands him. Sure, people adore him, want to be him, and worship the very ground he walks on – but Jared doesn’t really have anyone who would, say, stand beside him even if he (and he’s exaggerating here) had to wear a wig (he’s exaggerating _a lot_ ) because his real hair tends to bend to the left when he’s under a lot of pressure (shut up it’s just an example).

Fact is, it’s fucking lonely being at the top.

So in order to win Jensen, Jared’s going to do what he’s never had to do before in his entire gifted life.

_Try_.

\--- 

“Clif! Hurry it up man, we’re late! You know the show can’t go on without me!” Jared calls over his shoulder, walking quickly. He can’t believe he lost track of time staring into the mirror like that! Clif should have noticed that he had gotten entranced by his own amazing reflection and snapped him out of it, God damn it! What the hell does he pay these people for? Now he’s late getting to the make-up trailer in time to meet Jensen. He’s got a plan now – it’s a great plan too.

One, talk to Jensen.

Two, get Jensen to fall in love with him.

Three -

\- well, that’s it actually. It’s all about this acronym his mom taught him when he was a kid: _K.I.S.S_ _– Keep It Simple, Superstar_! And honestly, Jared thinks it’s perfect, since _kissing_ is exactly what he intends to do with Jensen.

There’s always a flurry of crew members running off once he gets onto the lot, like they’ve suddenly been inspired to work harder the moment they see him. They even get all wide-eyed and everything. And yeah, Jared’s kind of spectacular that way.

He bursts into the make-up trailer to see Jensen’s spot empty, but his face mask supplies still out on the counter and a wet-looking towel hanging on the arm of the chair.

“Did I just miss Jensen?” Jared groans. Jensen’s probably reaching out to nirvana or something in his trailer by now. He won’t see him until their first scene of the day.

The girls nod, glancing at each other with odd smiles on their faces. But he didn’t say anything funny. Ooookay. Must be some sort of inside joke Jared’s not in on. He’ll have to ask them later.

Jared doesn’t actually _need_ make-up, I mean, have you _seen_ him? But Sam Winchester – as good as Jared is at playing him, just can’t be as good looking as Jared Padalecki. It’s way too unrealistic for television. And _Supernatural_ is a _very_ real show. That’s why they’ve got to tone him down. Jared understands.

He takes his own seat and smiles sunnily at the girls.

“My perfect visage is in your hands, ladies.”

\---

The first day of Jared’s new plan is a complete flop. Jensen had managed to avoid him as usual, and the writers kept calling him for his opinion on the script, and he’s had to turn down five different job offers. Jared swears, sometimes his life is too blessed to handle.

“ – and I just – he’s barely in the same _room_ as me if we’re not filming, how am I supposed to talk to him?” Jared huffs, looking at the camera and its blinking red light. Ever since they did the interviews for Misha’s little documentary, Jared’s actually found that talking to cameras about his life is actually pretty liberating.

“Maybe… try relating to him? Do something that he likes to do, show that you have something in common?” his cameraman-du-jour suggests hesitantly.

Jared nods slowly, “Yeah, yeah okay. Easy. I can do that.”

\---

And that’s how Jared finds himself in a studio-turned-sauna, trying not to break his back while trying to hide his hard-on at the same time.

Jared had wanted to surprise Jensen by showing up to his weekly hot yoga class – the one the producers arranged to have on set just for him – since _hey_ they have yoga in common – Jared played a yoga instructor on tv, after all (and okay, maybe he played _Sam_ playing a yoga instructor – but still, same difference). And Jensen _was_ surprised, if the wide-eyed, open-mouthed expression on his face was anything to go by. Jared just grinned at Jensen and set up his yoga mat right next to his.

He wanted to say something totally romantic but then the instructor got their attention quickly and Jensen’s practically impossible to talk to when he’s in his _zone_.

And he kinda wishes he had Jensen’s concentration because it doesn’t take long for Jared to notice the way that Jensen’s slim yoga shorts hug his thighs, or the way his sweaty tank top is clinging to his torso. And when Jensen bends down into the downward dog position, black pants pulling tight around the round curve of his ass – Jared about comes in his own pants imagining what it’d be like to cover sweat-damp Jensen’s body with his, fit himself against that ass, spread those legs apart… (but he doesn’t come in his pants; he may not have a focused chi or whatever but his self-control is _superb_ ).

As Jared struggles to get into the Firefly position that Jensen lifts into so easily, he wonders why he even thought this was a good idea. He can’t even _breathe_ in here, his muscles are screaming at being bent every which way - are they trying to kill him?

This is _not_ how he wanted to get hot and steamy with Jensen.

At the end of the class, Jared collapses into a sweaty heap, all of his limbs numb. By the time he looks up, Jensen and his mat are gone.

\---

“ – it’s like he was put on this Earth to tease me you know? Like – like I’m Superman and he’s my kryptonite.”

Jared’s turned away from the camera this time, sighing as he fixes his hair in the mirror, tugging the hairline a bit forward. He stares morosely at his stunning reflection. He hears the cameraman cough and shift behind him.

“I would make a good Superman,” Jared sighs. Maybe Jensen likes Superman though? He was on that _Smallville_ show with that Welling guy for a while.

He looks expectantly at the scrawny kid behind the camera. He’s not even sure he works on set but eh. Jared has other things to worry about. “I don’t know. Send him something romantic and personal. Like a mixed tape?”

Jared brightens up at the suggestion. He has the perfect idea.

\---

“A restraining order?” he sputters at the suit-and-tie holding out a manila folder. “You do realize we have to work on the same show together right?”

“Yes, Mr. Padalecki, if you’d just look at line 14 –“

“I don’t _want_ to look at line 14! Get away from me, I’m not signing that thing!” Jared snaps at the lawyer. “Clif! CLIF!! Can you get this guy out of here please?”

He sees Jensen standing a few feet away and he takes a step towards him, frowning when Jensen takes five frantic steps back.

“Jensen, what the hell man?”

“I refuse to be threatened by you Padalecki!” Jensen yells, pulling out a DVD from his jacket pocket and waving it at him. Jared recognizes the writing on the disc – it’s the same one he sent Jensen yesterday evening.

“ _Threatened_? What are you talking about – “

“You think this is intimidating? You think that I’ll up and quit just because you’ve got some muscles, you asshole?” Jensen’s absolutely livid at this point, face steadily turning red. “Well fuck you Padalecki, I’m not letting you get top billing that easily!”

What is Jensen talking about? He already _has_ top billing –

\- wait, _focus_ , Jared.

“Jensen, I sent you a video of all my favourite work-out routines,” Jared tries to explain, holding his hands up, and taking slow steps towards Jensen. He put a lot of thought into those, his work-outs are sacred and not everyone gets to witness such a thing. Plus, how can Jensen possibly resist _these_ muscles in action?

“Ha! See? Everyone heard you confess, you bastard!” Jensen is backing away, almost tripping over the director’s chair as he goes.

“Jensen – wait – “

“No! Stay away! Talk to my lawyer!” Jensen yells as he practically runs from the scene.

Jared can feel his face heating up, completely unfamiliar with the utter devastation and humiliation rising up in him. There are too many eyes on him, and if there’s anything he hates, it’s people seeing him when he’s upset (he doesn’t fucking cry, okay?). He really needs to get out of here.

“Get out of my way!” he snarls at the random guy in a trench coat (what the fuck? It’s like 30 degrees Canadian outside), pushing him out of the way. He wrenches open the door to the trailer he’s been using to film his videos and quickly locks it behind him.

He finds the camera in the closet where he left it and switches it on, filming nothing but angry breathing for a few moments. For the first time in his life, he’s at a loss at what to say. His eyes burn, and the inside of his chest feels heavy and broken. This is _not_ the amazing Jared that the world knows and loves.

Fuck. Isn’t that the thing though? He just can’t get Jensen to love him.

He turns the camera off, and slumps against the wall. He thought things like this weren’t supposed to happen to people like him.

\---

The producers get Jensen to drop the restraining order under the condition that Jared agrees to stop talking to him unless completely necessary. It’s totally depressing. At least they’re still good on camera together. Jared could admit that he and Jensen have always have a lot of on-screen chemistry. But he is so sure they’d be good off-camera too. _Better_ , even. If he has to share his screen time with anyone, he’s glad it’s with Jensen.

Jensen is gone as soon as Dean Winchester’s scenes are finished. And they never exactly hung out before, but now it’s like working with a ghost, and Jared hadn’t ever imagined that he could actually miss anyone as much as he misses Jensen right now.

A week after the lawyer fiasco, Jared’s still so upset that he ends up talking to _Richard_ of all people (you know he’s reached a new low when he’s resorted to mingling with former guest stars turned caterers).

“I don’t know what to do,” Jared says. “Everyone on set gives terrible love advice. I’m surprised any of you get laid.”

“Hey man, listen,” Richard says blithely, “It’s like when they killed me off of _Supernatural_ even when I didn’t want them to – I didn’t give up then, you shouldn’t give up now!”

“You begged them to give you your job back until they finally caved and hired you as a Food Handler.”

“Exactly! That’s my point.”

“I don’t beg,” Jared sniffs, “And I _don’t_ serve food.” Richard smacks himself in the face – which is kind of a weird thing to do, but Jared doesn’t want to spend a lot of time analyzing short people.

“Okay look you big ginormous idiot, I’m going to help you with Jensen – and in return, you’re going to pitch the writers this brilliant Gabriel resurrection episode that I wrote. Got it?”

Jared hesitates, but he’s at wit’s end by now, so he’s willing to try just about anything. Besides, if this doesn’t work out, he can always convince the writers to retcon Gabriel out of existence.

\---

Jared practices his speech over and over in his head. This is it, his one chance to get it right – because if this doesn’t work out, he’s not sure he has the heart to do it anymore. This love business? It’s the worst.

He’s barely aware of his surroundings as he makes his way to Jensen’s trailer. Before he can reach the steps, a strange, messy-haired man stops him. Oh. It’s Misha.

“Jared,” Misha is saying, “Could you please… _please_ stop using my trailer as a video confessional? I actually need to get in there sometimes, ya know.”

“Yeah, yeah sure,” Jared says distractedly, grabbing a pen and a paper pad from his pocket, and writing in quick practiced strokes, “Here.”

“And this… is your autograph,” Misha deadpans, “and you spelt my name _wrong_. Awesome.”

“Yeah, no problem!” Jared pats him on the shoulder and edges around him.

Jared knocks on the trailer door that reads “Jensen Ackles.” His stomach is doing little nervous swoops as he waits on the step, holding a foil-covered plate.

When Jensen finally opens the door to see Jared, he tries to shut it immediately, but luckily, Jared’s quick reflexes catch the door before it closes on him.

“Jensen, wait, just hear me out – please?”

“Fu - “Jensen blinks at him, looking stunned. “Did you just say ‘please’?”

“Um – yeah,” Jared says uncomfortably, confused why that was a big deal but deciding to get right to the point before Jensen turns him away again. “I brought you food!”

Jensen squints uncertainly at the dish in his hands. “O-kay. What happened to Richard?”

Jared huffs, just because Richard worked in the food tent, doesn’t mean he has a monopoly on getting Jensen food (even though technically he was the one who prepared it). “I brought this for you special. Can we talk? Please?” Jared adds, since it worked so nicely the first time.

Jensen nods, and moves back to let Jared into his trailer, taking a seat at the table across from the door, casting anxious glances at Jared, who stays by the trailer door. Jensen has a nice trailer – not as nice as _his_ but y’know. Still decent. Even if it does smell vaguely of incense. Jared curiously picks up a pair of bamboo sticks he finds in the corner.

“Is this some kind of joke?”

At the sound of Jensen’s angry voice, Jared whirls around because _God, no_ how does everything fall apart before he can even get a word in?

Jensen’s holding the foil, and glaring at the uncovered dish and at Jared. _Oh_.

“No – it’s not what you think! It’s tofu!”

Jensen gives him a dubious glance. “It looks like steak.”

“It’s tofu steak! Richard told me how upset you were the other day when Misha was filming his documentary and – well. It’s the best of both worlds right?” Jared smiles at Jensen. He knows how hard it is to keep up appearances for their fans – not that _Jared_ has anything to hide. He’s too perfect for that kind of thing.

Jensen picks up his fork and slowly brings a piece of the tofu steak into his mouth, chewing thoughtfully. Jared watches him carefully – anxiously, awaiting his verdict.

“It’s good,” Jensen says after swallowing, “i-it’s really good. Thank you, Jared.”

The smile that Jensen gives him is beautifully bashful, and Jared lights up at the sight of it. For the first time in a long while, he feels like the superstar that he is.

Filled with joy, Jared surges forward and kisses him, muffling Jensen’s terrified squawk as he revels in the soft lips touching his.

He sweeps his tongue against the seam of Jensen’s lips, dipping inside to get a taste of that warm mouth (and a hint of that gross tofu steak – which, by the way, is an insult to steaks everywhere). Jared moves closer, pushing Jensen up against the corner of the seat, and Jensen is shaking (with pleasure, obviously) underneath him, painfully gripping Jared’s biceps.

It isn’t until Jared has his shirt off and is pressed tight against Jensen’s front that he notices the lack of – well, anything - from the man he’s kissing. He pulls back, frowning at the way Jensen just slumps limply in his arms.

“Uh- Jensen?”

No response. Instead, Jensen’s head lolls back, kiss-swollen mouth slightly ajar and eyes closed. Okaaaay. Jared’s a little worried. Did he overwhelm Jensen with his greatness?

Suddenly there are sharp knocks at the door –

“Jensen, I have your 1pm coconut water – are you fucking kidding me?”

Jared looks at the PA in the open doorway, then at the unconscious Jensen in his arms, then back at the PA.

“Um – I can explain –“

The PA only pushes him out of the way – which is totally rude – and presses two fingers beneath Jensen’s jaw. The other man sighs in irritation, glaring at Jared, who still has no idea what’s going on. With two clicks of his headset, the PA speaks into the mic, “We have to reschedule the scene for this afternoon – Jensen’s fainted again.”

“Are you serious?” a crackly voice bursts through the static. “Fuck, can’t you just wake him up right now? We’re never going to get anything done with these clowns!”

“Nope, you know how it is with him, once he wakes up he’s gotta go through two hours of meditation to regain his focus energy – “

Jared stands at the side, unsure what to do, but he thinks that maybe Jensen wouldn’t appreciate the crick in his neck he’s going to get if they leave him where he is. Moving around the now ranting PA, who is still ignoring Jared’s presence (he thinks the guy must’ve learned it from Jensen or something), he gathers Jensen up in his arms, picking him up bridal-style and carrying him over to the trailer bed. He feels an unfamiliar shock of affection as he lays Jensen down onto the sheets.

He brushes a hand through Jensen’s short hair, wondering over Jensen’s vulnerability and too-pretty-eyelashes – but at least now he has Jared, who has enough muscle and manliness for the both of them.

Before the PA kicks him out of the trailer, Jared manages to scribble down a note _Call me_ , signing it in his usual extravagant manner, leaving it on Jensen’s table right by the plate of tofu steak.

Jared steps out into the cloudy Vancouver day, wondering if Jensen would be opposed to doing a confessional video with him.

After all, there’s a very convenient bed in the trailer he keeps the camera in.

\---

**Author's Note:**

> AN: Thanks for reading! Haha... oh man this was pure crack, but the mockumentary has opened so many fun possibilities pffft.  
> Just some references for the curious or confused:  
> 1) Archie’s Weird Mysteries - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Archie's_Weird_Mysteries  
> 2) “30 degrees Canadian” aka 30°C …for Celsius.  
> 3) Tofu steak is real! http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/tofu-steaks-shiitakes-veggies-50400000117844/


End file.
